Our second child is in heaven.
In October, David and I found out that we were expecting our second child. We made plans, dreamed about our baby being a boy or a girl, and prayed for this child of ours. On November 12, 2016 we found out that our baby no longer had a heartbeat.
Immediate pain in my soul. Pain that hurts deeply.
It felt as though my heart had been ripped. Like someone had taken it and ripped it in pieces.
My body ached for the chance to hold our baby.
It was the worst day of our lives. Worst week. Worst month.
I wanted to do nothing. Wanted to feel nothing. Wanted all the pain to go away.
We spent time with family. We held on to the hope that one day we will get to hold another child in our arms here on Earth. It just wasn't going to be this child. I spent time in the hospital, undergoing surgery as my body simply wasn't aware yet that I had miscarried. We spent time with our son, thanking God that he was here and he was healthy.
I think about Cairo, being too young to know that he will not have a brother or sister in June. I love that his heart is protected because of his innocence. I will treasure the day where I will get to tell him about his baby brother or sister who is up in Heaven with Jesus. Until then, we will wait on Him and be overwhelmed by His steadfast love for us.
Now, a month later, there are still minutes and hours where it still feels like that horrible day. Yes, time heals and we are broken but not abandoned. We believe that we will get to hold our baby one day in Heaven and are thankful that our Heavenly Father is the same Father who is holding our child right now.
In the song "Faithful to the End" by Bethel Music, there is a line that I hold on to dearly that says:
"There wasn't a day
That You weren't by my side
There wasn't a day
That you let me fall"
I sing this song to Cairo at night and although I usually end up in tears, it is a confident declaration that there is no time in life where Jesus leaves us, especially on the worst days of our lives.